TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully from position. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let us have An additional place where by American Adult males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer Absolutely everyone a suite to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It's that he ought to halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Great tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from Room, a function currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which company might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting consideration from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Trump Tower Damascus Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will likely include:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down support."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

Report this page